Self-Injury Survey

(Now isn't this one just going to end up causing a huge fucking uproar once it gets out... Taboo, taboo! These things aren't supposed to be talked about! Don't you know, people can't have problems and these problems can NEVER be talked about. Especially about people feeling emotion, emotions aren't supposed to be expressed, not in this day and age! This stuff needs to stay QUIET. Hush, hush... Can you imagine what would happen once word got out? What would people think? Bottle it all up, hold it all in... well, you can only keep it all inside for so long, and then... you just snap.)

This is going to be completely honest. No sugarcoat, no romanticizing, no evasion. Truth. Feel free to start a conversation about this, actually... Please read this in its entirety before judging. I know you'll have some pre-formed opinions about this due to the media and society's influence. Open up your mind and just read. Then I would love to have an honest and open conversation with someone about this... What is your opinion? What is your experience? Do you know anybody that self injures? How do you feel about it?

This is something I've been too afraid to post. But I've realized, this is something that's NOT going away anytime soon. More and more people are being affected by self-injury (SI) than ever before, and very few people are recognizing or accepting this fact. In a recent survey conducted at 50 US university campuses, it was revealed that 1 in 5 college students use at least one form of self injury, and that 2/3 of college students have tried SI at least once.

Johnny Depp. Angelina Jolie. Drew Barrymore. Christina Ricci. Gerard Way. Amy Winwhouse. Courtney Love. Richey Edwards. Princess Diana. - Have all openly admitted to engaging in self-injury in the past...


Do you self-injure (SI) in any way?:
Yes.

How do you SI?:
Cutting, deep scratching, nail biting, hair/eyebrow pulling (trichotillomania- not sure how to spell it).

Why do you SI?:
Because it works... it's a coping mechanism; it's a faulty one, but it works, nonetheless. It's pain that can be controlled. It helps snap you out of a state, and the blood and the pain bring you back to life and reality. It serves as a distraction by replacing the unbearable emotional pain and confusion you're experiencing with physical pain. It works and it helps. It offers relief from all of the tension. It gives you back the control over your own life. It induces a sense of calm and it slows down your mind and the rushing thoughts. Helps you regain focus. It lets you feel again, after being numb for so long. It makes you feel alive and real again. It's a much needed release. Or maybe, it's because I'm weak. Because I'm not strong enough.

What do you use to SI?:
I've used razor blades, kitchen knives, exacto blades, boxcutters, buck knife, pocket knives, nail clippers, keys, scissors, my nails, staples, paperclips, anything I could get my hands on; Sometimes I can't be trusted with anything even potentially sharp...

-Genesis-

When did you first SI?:
June 5, 2003.

Why did you do it?:
I honestly don't remember. That, or I just don't want to...

What did you use?:
Razor blade, out of a disposable razor. (yuck...)

How did it feel?:
Like the world had finally stopped spinning off its axis and a great weight had finally been lifted. And I could breathe again. It gave me back control when everything else had begun to fall apart all around me.

Where was the injury located on your body?:
Left forearm, primarily. I never was able to keep it to just one cut, it's always been 10, 15, more....


-Scars-

Do you like your scars?:
I've finally been able to begin to accept them... All of them. No, I'm not proud of them. They aren't something I want to be parading around. But they're there. And I've finally been able to accept them as they are.

How many scars do you think you have?:
A lot. Some have faded, others have not... Though I can recall the cause and location of each and every one of them. The worst are the ones that no one can see... The internal ones. Not all pain leaves visible scars...

Do you hide them from friends and family?:
They stay hidden from pretty much everyone... Willis sees them. Brock used to. And that's it.


Do you hide them when in public places?:
Yes.


Do you want to get rid of your scars?:
Sometimes... Other times, no. Because to me, they're there as a physical reminder of everything that I've been through in my life and proof that I'm still alive. That I survived what the world decided to throw at me, even if it did involve one hell of a battle...


-Tools-

What is your favorite tool to cut or SI with?:
It was a razor blade that I've had pretty much forever. Up until the end of this past Sepember... The RA got a hold of it and I don't know what happened with it. She either turned it in with the rest, chucked them, or is holding on to them....

What other things do you use?:
Razor blades, knives, exacto blades, box cutters, buck knife, pocket knives, nail clippers, keys, scissors, my nails, staples, paperclips, pen caps, pencils, pop tops, bottle caps... You get desperate, you get creative. Anything can work if you use it right...

Do you hide tools in your purse or other places where you can get to them?:
I used to.


Has anyone ever found your tools?:
Not directly, and if so- not knowingly so.

What did you say about it?:
Art tools.


-Secrecy-

Who knows about your SI?:
Before this? Very few people... Toby, Willis, Brock, Amanda, Abby. A few online friends, and pretty much everyone that I've ever really talked to from TWLOHA.


Who was the first person to find out?:
Toby.

How and when was this?:
He's pretty much always known, basically since we first met... or very close to it.

Do you wish more people knew about your SI, or less?:
I don't know. Sometimes less, sometimes more. Like, I want it to be known to other people that SI that I've been there too, I'm there with them, and that I do know what it's like to deal with these issues. To let them know that they are not alone, they are loved, and that I can relate to everything they're going through.


-Rituals-

Where on your body do you usually cut?:
It started on my left forearm, then spread pretty much everywhere, but I was getting pretty careless about it. It was becoming too obvious. Too easily noticeable. Noticeable if people would look. Then it became centralized to my thighs for quite some time. Ribs for a while. Then back to my forearms.
It's mostly the right one these days.


Why there?:
Started out as the most accessible spot to do it, but then they were getting too dense to be able to easily explain away without also giving "the secret" away too along with it. They got too hard to keep hidden. What better place than the thighs then? Easily hidden, not so noticeable. So that became my prime target. When I'm triggering, I don't really have control of where I cut. It's not really something you think about doing.

Where are you usually at when you SI?:
My room, under the desk, bathroom. Depends on where I'm at, who I'm around, and what's going on and what happened to make me trigger at the time...

Any special rituals you follow?:
Not really... I trigger. I try to cope in other ways. I give in to the pressure. I turn to the blade. I cut. I bleed. I hide it.

How often do you SI?
As often as I need to. Whenever I'm triggering real bad and can't deal with it. As often as I am unable to cope in any other way...

How much do you SI each time?:
10-15 cuts, or more. However long and however many it takes...

Do you carve any designs or words into yourself?:
No. That would be way too obvious, and there would be no other explanation for it.

Do you pierce or tattoo yourself?:
No.

-Depression & Suicide-

Are you clinically depressed or mentally ill?:
Haven't formally been diagnosed, but they've given me all the tests. Say I show the majority of the signs and symptoms, but they don't give me the pills. Because I don't want them. They recommend them. But I know what they really do... I've seen what they do. Depression. Bipolar. Borderline. Dependent. OCPD. Anorexia. Insomnia. Depersonalization. Avoidant. Aren't these fun words?

What have you been diagnosed with?:
Anorexia. Microcytic and iron deficient anemia.

Are you depressed often?:
Sometimes. A lot of the time...


Can everyone tell, or do you try to hide it?:
Can anyone tell? I've gotten REALLY good at hiding things. I've been cutting for five, almost six years... Five people know this. Brock and Willis are the only ones that can usually tell, and that's just some of the time. I've gotten really good at hiding it from everyone... Sometimes I wish that I could figure out how to hide it even from myself...

Have you ever thought of suicide?:
I've flirted with the idea a few times in the past...

Ever made any attempts?:
No.

How many?:
None.

What did you do?:
I didn't.

Have you ever been hospitalized?:
Not for self injury, no. Almost was for anorexia, and anemia- which was caused partly by anorexia, and the cutting. It's kind of amazing though, isn't it? That the doctors didn't see the scars, didn't acknowledge the cuts... It's interesting what they miss.


How many times?:
Never.

-Quitting-

Do you want to stop SI'ing?:
Yes.

Have you tried to stop?:
I've tried. Several times. It's not as easy as just putting the blade down and turning away from it...


What is the longest you've gone without SI'ing?:
I had almost made it a year, from July of 2007 until the end of March. 9 months.


Do you think it is an addiction?:
Yes, and no. It's more of a psychological addiction than it is a physical one. It's a faulty coping mechanism, but to someone that engages in self-injurious behaviors, it works.

Do you wish you had never started to SI?:
Now, no I don't. It gives me perspective whenever people around me talk about SI. And it helps me help others that SI. Knowing that I know some of what they've been going through, it helps with understanding it, and knowing that I'm not going to judge them or think any less of them.


-Emotions-

How do you feel before you SI?:
Trapped. Alone. Unloved. Confused. Tense. Afraid. Helpless. Out of control. Lost. Hurt. Unreal. Numb.

During?:
Calm. Alive. Real. Like I've found my escape. Released.

Immediately after?:
Ashamed. Guilty. Weak.

In the hours and days after that?:
Guilty. Ashamed. Stupid. Weak.

How do you feel about SI in general (your views)?:
It works. It isn't good; but it works. But it isn't going to work forever, it complicates your life unnecessarily.

-Misc.-

How deep do you cut?:
As deep as I need to to get that release...


How many cuts or burns in a session?:
As many as it takes.

Favorite cover story for an injury or scar?:
It's just so, so easy to blame everything on the cat.


Have you ever been caught while cutting?:
No. That would be the worst thing imaginable... to let someone else witness it. To allow someone to see my pain.


Ever cut in front of someone on purpose?:
No.

Do you know of others or are friends with people who SI?:
Yes. And as sad as it is, in recent months, I've discovered more and more friends that SI... It keeps hitting closer and closer to home. And I've heard more and more about people that friends and family know or heard about that cut, and their reactions to this person and their actions... Well, they hurt. They automatically assume that it's for attention... If that truly was the case, how have I been able to keep it a secret from everyone for six years if I was trying to gain their attention?

Do you feel pain when you SI? :

No. What I feel is beyond pain...